Flat Jeffrey Goes to Detroit

Dear Mrs. Lofgren's Class:

I have a story to tell you.  It is a story of betrayal.  It is a story of humiliation.  It is a story of anguish.  It is a story of danger and near death and fright like you've never experienced.  And it is a story of how I, Flat Jeffrey, overcame all of this, and lived to tell my story to you today.

I start with the betrayal.  This is the face of betrayal.  Not the guy on the left; he's okay.  He's weird, but he's fine.  No, my friends, the face of betrayal is the guy on the right.  His name is Regular Jeffrey, and he betrayed me.

I'm still so mad at him for what he did to me.  I'm so mad that I spend lots of my free time defacing pictures of him.  Here's one I did over the Thanksgiving holiday.  Isn't it funny?

What Regular Jeffrey did to me is this.  He stuffed me in an envelope.  He then thought of the most evil person on the planet.  And then he mailed me to that person.  The evil guy he mailed me to is a jerk named Uncle Frederick.  This is Uncle Frederick.

Uncle Frederick lives in Detroit, Michigan.  He's a cruel lawyer.  He works in a tall building on Jefferson Avenue which is a street named after our nation's third president, Thomas Jefferson.  Here is the building where Uncle Frederick works.  It is called the Madden Building.  Cruel Uncle Frederick works at the top of the building so he can look down on everyone.  He likes that.  It makes him feel like a big shot.

When Uncle Frederick got the envelope from Regular Jeffrey he sliced it open with a pair of scissors.  That's me on top of his desk.

Here's a better picture of me.  I'm smiling at Uncle Frederick because I want him to like me.

My friendly smiles did not work.  Uncle Frederick grabbed the scissors off the desk and immediately threatened to cut off my head.

Oh, man.  I was scared.  See how scared I look?  But this was only the beginning of my troubles.  The next thing Uncle Frederick did was throw me down on the floor and step on me.  What a jerk!

But he was not done with me.  Oh, no.  There was much more to come.  The next thing he did was to make an ornament out of me.  He took me to his law firm's Christmas tree and stuck me right on it.  Can you see me?  I'm right in the middle of the tree.

To the left of the tree you'll notice two flags.  The one on the right is the American flag.  If you don't know that, then you need to study harder.  The flag on the left is the Canadian flag. That's a bad picture of the Canadian flag so here's a better one.

The reason there's a Canadian flag in Uncle Frederick's office is that his firm has offices in other countries including Canada.  Canada is very close to Uncle Frederick's office.  In fact, if you were standing next to the Christmas tree looking out the window you'd see the Detroit River.  And if you looked across the Detroit River you'd see Canada.  Everyone thinks that Canada is north of the United States.  And that is mostly true.  But Detroit is an exception to this.  Detroit, Michigan, U.S.A. is north of Windsor, Ontario, Canada.  Remember that in case you're ever on a quiz show and that's a question.  Then give me half of your winnings.  In any event, here's a better shot of me on the tree in case you've got gunk in your eyes.  See how sad I look?

I may look sad, but Uncle Frederick laughed and laughed as he stepped back and looked at me on the tree.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

He then took me out on the balcony and showed me the Detroit River and Canada.  He threatened to toss me over the side of the building so I'd plunge 25 floors to my death.  What a jerk.

Look at the picture below.  Do you see the bridge in the distance going from one side of the Detroit River to the other?  That's called the Ambassador Bridge.

The Ambassador Bridge is a suspension bridge.  It connects Detroit with Canada.  Hence it is an international bridge.  It is privately owned, and that is unusual.  Most international bridges are owned by governments.  

Over 150,000 jobs and $13 billion in annual production depend on the bridge.  It is the busiest international border crossing in North America in terms of trade volume.  More than 25 percent of all the stuff traded between the United States and Canada crosses that bridge. 

Detroit is sometimes called The Motor City, or "Motown" for short, because it is the headquarters of most of the American automotive industry.  The headquarters for General Motors, the Ford Motor Company, and Chrysler are all located in Metropolitan Detroit.  Uncle Frederick showed me the headquarters for General Motors, and once again threatened to toss me over the edge of his building.  For that, look below.

GM is in a building called the Renaissance Center.  It is a big, ugly glass building.  In the picture above, look where evil Uncle Frederick has pointed my head.  Do you see all the cars?  They have just crossed the Detroit River.  Do you know how?  They crossed under the river in a tunnel.  See below for a picture of Uncle Frederick leaning way over the railing ready to drop me.  What a horrible human being.

Next Uncle Frederick showed me the Guardian Building.

The Guardian Building is the brick one on the left.

Here's a better shot of it.

The Guardian Building is a 40-story steel-framed building sheathed in 1.8 million orange bricks.  It opened in 1929.  Here's the inside of it.

Uncle Frederick then took me to the other side of the building.  The big building straight ahead is called the Penobscot Building.

Here's another picture of the Penobscot Building.

Uncle Frederick was getting cold (just yesterday it was snowing in Detroit!) so he went back inside.  He stuck me on a wall sculpture taken from the old Detroit Stock Exchange Building before they ripped it down.

He stuck me on a toilet paper roll.

He nearly flushed me down the toilet.

He nearly flung me down the stairs.

He was disappointed that the stairs weren't scary enough so he took me back outside and again threatened to drop me over the edge.

Then he went back inside and again made out like he was going to cut my head off with the scissors.

At this point I'd had it.  I grabbed the scissors and I got him.

Everybody in Uncle Frederick's firm was so happy (they all thought he was a wretched person) that they gave me a plaque that said: "We appreciate your dedication.  We admire your leadership.  We applaud your accomplishments."

 So much for Uncle Frederick!